As of today I am 191. I am slowly but surely gonna get myself back into the 180's. Today I found out my husband weighs 188. That is depressing. So very depressing. Why did I even look at his MyFitnessPal update? I knew it would be bad. And this was right after I burnt 400+ calories during my workout. We are different people. I just have to keep telling myself this. I hope to be 188 soon. :o(

I am feeling completely and totally stuck at 190 lbs.  Seriously?  This is what my body is saying is ok?  Part of me never wants to eat right because even when I do eat right, I cannot get under 190.  This is just so ridiculous.  I haven't been to Fit Club in 2 weeks due to my husband being out of town.  I have been eating crap.  Yesterday I had Sonic for lunch and Steak-N-Shake for dinner.  Not good.  It's hard to eat right when I can't lose weight and also with my husband being gone.  When he is here, I focus on making healthy family meals.  When he is gone, I say SPLURGE!  Ugh.  Need to break that.  I also need to lose 20 more pounds.  Come on weight.  Fall off like you did before!!!  This is so frustrating.  I'm trying to use my weight loss journey to also teach my children a lesson.  Do not get into bad habits of eating junk food and large portions.  Please do not do this to yourself!!!  Do not let your weight get out of control.  According to WW, a healthy weight range for me would be 144-179 lbs.  144 lbs at my height wouldn't look healthy, but if I was 170, like I want to be, I'd be considered "healthy".  Unfortunately, I am still in the "overweight" catagory and that just plain sucks considering I've lost 20+ lbs.  My current BMI is 27.  I started out with a BMI of 29.8.  I think it sucks that losing 20+ lbs only dropped my BMI by 2 pts!  I hate this.  I hate trying so hard and I hate feeling like a failure.  I really need some encouragement.  No one follows my blog, so I am basically writing this to myself, but that's ok.  I need to get my butt back into gear and even if I can't go to Fit Club, I can work out to one of my MANY DVD's at home.  No excuses!  20 lbs is nothing, right???

My weight loss has pretty much stalled at this point.  I am stuck at 190 lbs.  I should say that it varies between 188 and 191.  Just depends on what is going on.  Anyway, I think my plateau is due mainly to the fact that my thyroid is doing all sorts of crazy things.  I finally went to the dr and she lowered my dose.  Of course she was thrilled for me about the weight loss, but she said I should've come in sooner because that big of a weight loss would surely effect my dosing.  She checked my TSH levels and mine were at 1.6.  2.0 is the lowest they want you to be.  So, she had to lower my dose.  Totally not the way I thought that worked, but oh well.  I learned something new!  So I am on a lower dose and my hair has already started to not fall out nearly as much and I am not freezing cold all the time.  Yay!!  I'm hoping that this will also jump start my weight loss again.  I'm not counting on it, but I am hoping.  I don't know what is going on and why I can't get under 188.  I know that is not my ideal body weight.  For me, I'd like to get to 170.  I think I'd be happy and would look really healthy.  I guess my body has other thoughts?  The WW program has worked great, but now I just can't bust through this plateau, even though I've been working out and all that.  It's just not happening for me.  Part of me wants to give up and just eat whatever the heck I want, but I know I won't feel good if I do that.  So, for now, I'm going to just stick with what I feel best doing...eating healthy & exercising when I can.  Maybe some day my body will catch on!!

I have truly been struggling this week.  I am due to start my period any time now and I am eating non-stop.  In fact, I had to come up here to update so I wouldn't eat any more food.  I've had ice cream and pretzels and that's just my after lunch snack.  Why do I do this?  I am not even hungry!  I guess it's stress and boredom maybe?  I don't know.  It's very annoying that I do this to myself.  I lost all of this weight and now I'm going to gain it all back if I don't stop.  This is just ridiculous.  I am supposed to go to Fit Club tonight, but I almost feel like it will be a waste of time because I cannot get my eating under control.  I must stop this.  I didn't struggle this badly before I left for vacation and was logging my points every day.  Ugh.  Must change my mind set.  NOW.

I weighed in at 189.4 lbs this morning.  To be honest, I am surprised I haven't gained any weight because I have been eating like crap this week.  We are having VBS at church and so we're constantly on the go and snacks get delivered which aren't the healthiest, of course.  So I've been partaking in brownies, pizza, pretzels, cookies, etc.  Hasn't been a great week for me, but I still lost 0.4 lbs.  I'll take it.  I am getting back on track this week, although we've got vacation coming up.  I'm just going to try and do my very best!  That's all I can do.  My sister-in-law is flying in on Monday.  The same day my husband flies out for a TDY (military thing).  He will be home Thursday and then we all drive out for Florida on Friday afternoon.  It's going to be a hectic and long week!  I haven't exercised at all this week unless you count running back and forth between opposite ends of the church hunting down craft supplies.  I'm bummed that I am not at 170 lbs yet.  I feel like I should've accomplished this by now.  I am not going to get down about it though.  Even if I lose no more weight at all, I've still already improved my health a ton!  I really need to look at the positives.  It's hard.  The first 25 lbs came off so easily and now I'm stuck at 189 and I'm kind of OK with it I guess.  I don't know.  Hard to explain.  Guess I"m just tired of doing everything "right".  However, we are overhauling our kids' eating habits, so that will help.  I hope.

Still stuck at 189.8 lbs.  This is so frustrating for me and I am in that vicious cycle of thinking, "Well, I'm not going to lose weight no matter if I eat well or if I just eat crap, so I might as well eat what makes me happy."  I had chocolate covered peanuts yesterday.  Only 4 of them, but still.  Not good for someone who is trying to lose weight.  Why can I not get under 189?  I don't know what to do.  I need to get to 170.  That would put me at a healthy weight.  My BMI is 26.4.  I need to be at 24.9 to be in the "normal" range for BMI.  I would need to weigh 178 lbs to be in that "normal" catagory and I really really want to be there.  I need to lose 10 lbs at least.  I want to be "healthy".  I know that I've lost a lot of weight, but I'm still "overweight" and I don't want to be.  I need to bust through this and I need to get back on the right track.  I don't want to be OK with 189 lbs.  I don't want to have to be ok with 189 lbs.  I can lose 10 lbs.  I have lost over double that.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I. MUST. DO. THIS.

So, I finally hit my goal of 188 lbs. It marked my 10% weight loss on WW and a total of 26 lbs gone. However, I also left for vacation with my mom the same day I hit that goal and came back 3 lbs heavier. :o( Totally bummed. Feeling so super depressed today. I seriously feel like I could just bawl my eyes out over this. Don't know what's going on. Of course I'm going to be heavier. However, my Mom called and said to me, "How much weight did you lose?" I said I didn't lose any and had gained 3 lbs in fact. She said, "Oh...well I lost pound and a half." That doesn't help any. I tried to eat well and I tried to exercise. We walked, swam, etc. I ate a lot of salad. Didn't help I guess. My Mom tried to sabotage me with chocolate. Everywhere we went she wanted to buy me sweets. I don't get it. I am so upset over this. It also doesn't help that all of my friends are in bikinis. I have no fat friends, I swear. They all wear these tiny bikinis and they all have at least one child. Guess I'm destined to be fat forever. Feeling awful today. Just awful. Not eating anything but dinner tonight.

I am feeling totally depressed this morning. I had a horrible, horrible weekend, eating wise. I am back up to 192 lbs. I want to cry. I worked so hard to get this far and now I let myself get back to 192. The first BBQ we attended I thought, "Oh, I can let myself cheat a little. It's a holiday weekend!" That mentality didn't stop at the first BBQ though. I don't feel I ate horribly and I even passed up cookies! But it was more than my body wanted, I guess. I did workout yesterday though. I ran/walked 1.5 miles and then did weights for 20 minutes. I really didn't want to gain any weight this weekend, so I am kind of devastated by these 2 lbs. I really don't want 190 to be my plateau! Back on track this week. I'm hoping to lose 3 lbs by Friday. Is that doable? I don't even know. However, I know that Friday morning I am leaving for vacation. My Mom & I have planned to eat healthy and to workout in the pool. I do NOT want to get back up to 200 lbs, but I could totally see it happening if I am not super duper careful. Saying a prayer that God will help me to stay strong!

Still not seeing a number in the 180's and I am totally bummed. I feel like I should be in the 180's by now. I am praying that I wake up tomorrow and see 189 on that scale. If I don't this will be the first time since starting WW that I have lost under 1 lb in a week. How terribly sad that would be! I know I have stuck to the plan this week and I have been working out, so I cannot be too hard on myself. I must not be too hard on myself. I don't want to depress myself and totally stop and give up on this whole weight loss thing. I want to do this. I've come so far!! I've lost 24 lbs! That is a LOT. That's the size of a one year old! Now if I could just lose this last 20 lbs. In all honesty, I just want to get to that 189 mark to prove to myself that I CAN do it. I broke the 200 lbs mark and it had been stopping me for years, so I know I can do this too. I ate so well today and yesterday too! I am not understanding why I didn't see 189 this morning. Oh well, must remain positive. I am looking so much slimmer in my clothes and I was rocking my bathing suit today at the pool. ;o) My Mom and I are planning a vacation starting the Friday after the 4th of July and we are already talking about exercising in the pool and eating super healthy meals while we're gone. We are going to support one another. We even talked about hiking and I am looking for trails for us. I'm also searching online for pool exercise routines. I am determined not to gain this darn weight back...even if it kills me!

I think 190 lbs is my new 200 lbs. By that I mean I'll never get under 190 lbs and stay there. Before, I always struggled with the 200 lbs mark. It seemed like I could get to 200 and then never stay below. It seems that 190 is that new mark for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I fell below 200 lbs and I am happy that I've now lost 24 lbs, but I want to be in the 180's. 188 lbs is my 10% marker (on WW). I get an award on their site for losing 10% of my body weight and I really want that award. So I am working hard. I started working out on Monday. I ran/walked for 20 minutes and then did weights. Today I only got in a 15 minute jog and weights before my oldest kiddo got up. I really want to get into the 180's. The next few days I really need to stick to my daily points allowance and not go over. Yesterday, I had ice cream which sent me way over my daily points. I dipped into my weekly points and it seems that when I do that, I do not lose weight like I should. Maybe once I'm on maintenance, then I can dip into those weekly points that I am alloted. I am trying not to let the numbers on the scale rule my happiness. The other day I was 190, today I am 191. There could be so many reasons for that 1 lb "gain". I did start working out and I know your muscles retain water when you work out and I know muscle weighs more than fat and blah, blah, blah. I am really just trying to look at the bigger picture. If I weigh 190 lbs and I am toned, then I shouldn't care about that number. If I weigh 170 and I'm flabby all over, I won't be as happy. Must look at the bigger overall picture here. This whole weight loss thing is such a mind game. My last official weigh in with WW was 191.2 lbs. I am over that today. I weighed in this morning at 191.6. I cannot be over 191.2 on Friday, my official weigh in day. That would just be depressing to see my graph go UP. I think I would cry. I do not want to gain any weight. So I will stick to the plan today and tomorrow and see if I can get down to around 189 by Friday's weigh in. I know that if I stick to the plan and I do not get to 189, then it's not my fault because I tried my hardest. Working out always does strange things to my body. I always gain weight, initially, and then it goes away and I either maintain or lose weight. I only have 15-20 lbs left to lose and I want to be toned. Ugh. This is so hard and now I feel like I'm just blabbing, so I am going to go clean while I have energy.

*sigh* I really want to cry this week! I am not losing anything. I am so depressed over it and just totally bummed out. This is very disappointing. Every week since I have started WW, I have lost at least 2 lbs. Now here I am, stuck at 192. This is very upsetting. I don't know what's wrong!! Maybe I need to start working out? Maybe my body is saying, "OK...enough of this losing weight stuff. We wanna hold onto this cushion!!" I don't know. Something has to change. Maybe I need to eat less? Or maybe change what I am eating? I have to be honest...I have been having ice cream (sometimes 2) every night. It's at least the SmartOnes ice cream, but having 2 each night probably isn't the best. There are still fat & calories in them, even if I do have the Points left over for them. Maybe I should eat more fruit & veggies for snacks? Whatever it is, I wish I knew. I wish there was a computer in my body that could tell me what it needs me to do to get these last 22 lbs off!! Right now I just want to cry. My official weigh in day is Friday and I seriously doubt I'll lose anything by then.

194.6 lbs this morning! This is such a huge goal for me because I only ever remember weighing 194 lbs once! It was the time my husband & I decided to eat only fruit for days on end and I was exercising like a mad woman. It wasn't healthy at all. So I am proud of myself for sticking with this and making it to 194 the right way!! My points have been lowered now, so I'm finding it more challenging to stay within my range, especially when we go out or during special occasions, such as BBQ's. However, I am trying my best and that's all I can do. I'm staying away from things I really want like rolls with butter and hot fudge sundaes. I know I CAN do it. It's just having the determination to do it. No one seems to notice my weight loss. My mom said I look thinner, but only after I told her how much weight I've lost. My husband does notice. He hugged me yesterday and said I feel smaller to him. No one else has commented. It's a bummer. I'm officially down 20 lbs now, so I would think people would notice. Of course I am losing it slowly, so people may not be noticing due to that. Especially those I see on a regular basis. Still, I'm kind of bummed. I'm not going to let it stop me though because even if no one EVER notices, I still know what that number on the scale says and I know how much healthier I am getting just by losing this weight! Oh, and now my brother doesn't weigh less than me, which is MAJOR!! Only 6 lbs to go to hit my 10% (on WW) goal. I think when I hit that goal, I might buy myself a new outift. :o)

So, I am stuck at 195.6. I have not lost any weight so far this week. I guess I need to wait till Friday until I can really say that since that is my official weigh-in day. I seriously hate that I have let myself become so overweight. :o( The Wii tells me a good weight for me 153 lbs. Seriously? If weighed 153 lbs I would look sick! I don't think they take into account your height. At 5'11", 170 lbs will look good on me, I think. :o) Trying to really stay positive this week and remember that I am already down 19 lbs, which is more than I've ever lost on any weight loss plan. I CAN do this...I've already done a lot of it...and I only have 25 more lbs to go. Only 3 lbs to go to hit that half way mark. :o)

Ahhh, today was HARD!!! We went to a picnic at church and no one brought anything healthy, of course, and I showed up starving. NOT a good idea!! Now I'm left with 3 points to use for dinner. Not cool. I will definitely be going over my points today. :o(

Ugh. Why can I never stay at 199? Every time I get under 200 lbs, something happens and I gain weight. I've never been able to stay under 200 for any length of time. Memorial Day weekend was horrible for me, eating wise. I ate too much crap! Then I got back on track and I went from 203 to 200. Yesterday was awesome. I had hardly any points and used them to eat Wendy's. That could be the problem. I did eat french fries and the salt is probably causing me to retain water. Ugh. Stupid french fries. And to be honest, I felt like crap after eating them. So not worth it! It has been 5 weeks (before yesterday) since I had them, so my body was probably like "What are you trying to do to me??!" No more french fries for me. Ick!! Hopefully I can lose at least 1 lb before weigh in tomorrow. Feeling totally bummed right now. :o(

Feeling a little discouraged right now. I stepped on the scale this morning to see I had gained a pound. Why do I do this to myself?? I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day, but it's almost like a compulsion. I feel like I have to do it!! It's ridiculous to be upset over one pound. One pound isn't much and it could be something simple like water weight. I'm really sticking to the plan, despite not eating super great the past few days. I'm still staying within my points range!! It's very frustrating to me. I know I am not exercising like I should be either, but I swear I don't have time. Between driving my little one to preschool every morning and then driving back 2 hours later to get him and all the other stuff I have to do, I just don't feel like I have time!! I really need to just stick to weighing myself on Fridays. Maybe then I won't be so depressed over little set backs.

Why do I keep putting it off? "Oh, I'll start back on this working out and dieting thing on Monday!" Really? Why not start today? I don't understand it. Am I afraid of failure? I really think so. My heart cannot take failure. I am afraid of disappointing those I love, even though they won't really even know I'm trying to lose weight. I'm just afraid that if people see me watching what I eat and working out, but the weight isn't coming off that I am going to look like a failure. Why am I even afraid of failing? Everyone fails at something or some point in their lives. I haven't really experienced real failure yet. I don't want this to be the first time for me. Sure, I've failed tests and haven't been able to do things perfectly, but a true failure for me would be trying my hardest to lose weight and not accomplishing it. I really need to lose at least 35 lbs. That's a minimum to be considered healthy. So it's a numbers game for me and I'm terrified that it might come down to where my body says, "Um, excuse me, we're only letting you lose 30 lbs!" and then I would feel like I failed because that last 5 lbs wouldn't come off. I have got to do this. I think it would help with so many other issues I have. So...I am starting today. Of course, I may not be able to eat the best, but I am going to make a conscious decision about what I put into my mouth. I may not be able to exercise, but I'm going to strive to take more steps today and get up and moving more. I think if I exercised more, I'd want to move around more and that all helps! So no more excuses...today I am starting over.

Ugh. I've all but given up on this. There is no time for me to workout without my house looking like an absolute disaster. I complain and it falls on deaf ears, apparently.

Oh gosh, it's been a horrible 2 weeks for me. I have gained 2 pounds. I am not proud and I feel like a total failure. What am I doing to myself? My husband was supposed to have surgery so I was busy preparing for that (cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.). So, my workouts stopped since that is the time I was using to prepare. Then, the big ice storm hit. Let me tell you, it was bad. The base was closed & my husband's surgery was cancelled. We were snowed in, along with my mother-in-law, for 4 days. It was awful. We basically sat around watching movies, playing games, reading, etc. Didn't do a single workout. Now, here we are, the week that my husband is finally going to have his surgery and I am back into preparation mode. Cleaning, grocery shopping, making sure everything is running smoothly. It's awful. I hate this. I want a normal life!!! There is no time for me. I always come last. Why? I don't know. The other stuff is more important...more vital to the smooth operation of our household I guess. I feel like such a failure. 2 pounds!! Really?? What the heck??!! Ugh. I must exercise today. At least at some point. Even if it's after the kids have gone to bed. I hate that I did this to myself. Oh, and not to forget...I was in the ER twice with a kidney infection and got IV fluids both times. *sigh* I have to take better care of myself.

Sooo....I did a weigh in yesterday morning and I was NOT happy with the number on the scale. It read 210.6 lbs. I wanted 210 to be the number I would never see again on the scale, but I am glad I didn't hold myself to that. I want to be at 200 lbs befor I say I'll never see 210 again. It's depressing when you feel like you're working super hard and you're seeing almost no results. It's very frustrating and I want to give up so badly, but I know I can't. My body is feeling the workouts and it feels GOOD to be sore and to get my heart rate up. I also know this will be good for my anxiety issues, as well as my blood pressure which tends to run a little high. I've really been working out hard. I added Level 2 to the Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD I've been doing. My other 3 workout DVD should arrive within the next few days. I am very excited to get them. I really enjoy doing DVDs over walking aimlessly on the treadmill. I push myself harder when there is someone on a screen pushing me. I am hoping to drop at least 2 lbs within the next 2 weeks. That is my goal. I would like to weigh 208 lbs by January 20th, which is my youngest child's 5th birthday. I know I can do it. Must. Do. It.