I have truly been struggling this week.  I am due to start my period any time now and I am eating non-stop.  In fact, I had to come up here to update so I wouldn't eat any more food.  I've had ice cream and pretzels and that's just my after lunch snack.  Why do I do this?  I am not even hungry!  I guess it's stress and boredom maybe?  I don't know.  It's very annoying that I do this to myself.  I lost all of this weight and now I'm going to gain it all back if I don't stop.  This is just ridiculous.  I am supposed to go to Fit Club tonight, but I almost feel like it will be a waste of time because I cannot get my eating under control.  I must stop this.  I didn't struggle this badly before I left for vacation and was logging my points every day.  Ugh.  Must change my mind set.  NOW.

Still stuck at 189.8 lbs.  This is so frustrating for me and I am in that vicious cycle of thinking, "Well, I'm not going to lose weight no matter if I eat well or if I just eat crap, so I might as well eat what makes me happy."  I had chocolate covered peanuts yesterday.  Only 4 of them, but still.  Not good for someone who is trying to lose weight.  Why can I not get under 189?  I don't know what to do.  I need to get to 170.  That would put me at a healthy weight.  My BMI is 26.4.  I need to be at 24.9 to be in the "normal" range for BMI.  I would need to weigh 178 lbs to be in that "normal" catagory and I really really want to be there.  I need to lose 10 lbs at least.  I want to be "healthy".  I know that I've lost a lot of weight, but I'm still "overweight" and I don't want to be.  I need to bust through this and I need to get back on the right track.  I don't want to be OK with 189 lbs.  I don't want to have to be ok with 189 lbs.  I can lose 10 lbs.  I have lost over double that.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I. MUST. DO. THIS.

I am feeling totally depressed this morning. I had a horrible, horrible weekend, eating wise. I am back up to 192 lbs. I want to cry. I worked so hard to get this far and now I let myself get back to 192. The first BBQ we attended I thought, "Oh, I can let myself cheat a little. It's a holiday weekend!" That mentality didn't stop at the first BBQ though. I don't feel I ate horribly and I even passed up cookies! But it was more than my body wanted, I guess. I did workout yesterday though. I ran/walked 1.5 miles and then did weights for 20 minutes. I really didn't want to gain any weight this weekend, so I am kind of devastated by these 2 lbs. I really don't want 190 to be my plateau! Back on track this week. I'm hoping to lose 3 lbs by Friday. Is that doable? I don't even know. However, I know that Friday morning I am leaving for vacation. My Mom & I have planned to eat healthy and to workout in the pool. I do NOT want to get back up to 200 lbs, but I could totally see it happening if I am not super duper careful. Saying a prayer that God will help me to stay strong!

I think 190 lbs is my new 200 lbs. By that I mean I'll never get under 190 lbs and stay there. Before, I always struggled with the 200 lbs mark. It seemed like I could get to 200 and then never stay below. It seems that 190 is that new mark for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I fell below 200 lbs and I am happy that I've now lost 24 lbs, but I want to be in the 180's. 188 lbs is my 10% marker (on WW). I get an award on their site for losing 10% of my body weight and I really want that award. So I am working hard. I started working out on Monday. I ran/walked for 20 minutes and then did weights. Today I only got in a 15 minute jog and weights before my oldest kiddo got up. I really want to get into the 180's. The next few days I really need to stick to my daily points allowance and not go over. Yesterday, I had ice cream which sent me way over my daily points. I dipped into my weekly points and it seems that when I do that, I do not lose weight like I should. Maybe once I'm on maintenance, then I can dip into those weekly points that I am alloted. I am trying not to let the numbers on the scale rule my happiness. The other day I was 190, today I am 191. There could be so many reasons for that 1 lb "gain". I did start working out and I know your muscles retain water when you work out and I know muscle weighs more than fat and blah, blah, blah. I am really just trying to look at the bigger picture. If I weigh 190 lbs and I am toned, then I shouldn't care about that number. If I weigh 170 and I'm flabby all over, I won't be as happy. Must look at the bigger overall picture here. This whole weight loss thing is such a mind game. My last official weigh in with WW was 191.2 lbs. I am over that today. I weighed in this morning at 191.6. I cannot be over 191.2 on Friday, my official weigh in day. That would just be depressing to see my graph go UP. I think I would cry. I do not want to gain any weight. So I will stick to the plan today and tomorrow and see if I can get down to around 189 by Friday's weigh in. I know that if I stick to the plan and I do not get to 189, then it's not my fault because I tried my hardest. Working out always does strange things to my body. I always gain weight, initially, and then it goes away and I either maintain or lose weight. I only have 15-20 lbs left to lose and I want to be toned. Ugh. This is so hard and now I feel like I'm just blabbing, so I am going to go clean while I have energy.

I made the mistake of using my leftover daily points to have a Reese's Cup Blizzard from Dairy Queen last night. My body did not appreciate it at all. First of all, it didn't even taste that good, so I don't know why I kept eating it after the first few bites. Then, about an hour after eating it, my stomach started to cramp and I felt like there was a huge rock in my stomach just sitting there. It was awful. I couldn't sleep at all. I finally fell asleep around 4:30am, only to be back up at 8! 3.5 hrs of sleep makes for one unhappy camper! So no more Dairy Queen for me!! I thought I was doing a good thing since I was using my leftover points. I know WW does want you to use all of your daily points each day. So I was being a good girl, or so I thought. I would've been better off to have one of my frozen WW meals than to eat that junk. I feel so bad that I did that to my body. It's been so wonderful to me and has allowed me to lose 22 lbs and I repay it by feeding it junk??!! NOT cool!

Ahhh, today was HARD!!! We went to a picnic at church and no one brought anything healthy, of course, and I showed up starving. NOT a good idea!! Now I'm left with 3 points to use for dinner. Not cool. I will definitely be going over my points today. :o(

Ugh. Why can I never stay at 199? Every time I get under 200 lbs, something happens and I gain weight. I've never been able to stay under 200 for any length of time. Memorial Day weekend was horrible for me, eating wise. I ate too much crap! Then I got back on track and I went from 203 to 200. Yesterday was awesome. I had hardly any points and used them to eat Wendy's. That could be the problem. I did eat french fries and the salt is probably causing me to retain water. Ugh. Stupid french fries. And to be honest, I felt like crap after eating them. So not worth it! It has been 5 weeks (before yesterday) since I had them, so my body was probably like "What are you trying to do to me??!" No more french fries for me. Ick!! Hopefully I can lose at least 1 lb before weigh in tomorrow. Feeling totally bummed right now. :o(

Another reason to lose weight...I have this disgusting infected hair on the under side of my fat stomach where it touches my body...right near my c-section scar. Ugh. If I wasn't fat, I probably wouldn't have that issue. Now...if my husband would STOP making these damn cookies!

I'm depressed. It's been a horrible week with my husband still not recovered from his septum repair. I'm struggling. Hard core. I cannot remember the last time I worked out. I have zero motivation and the miniature Reese's Cups my husband got me for Valentine's Day are calling my name at all hours. I just want to eat. I know it's because I'm stressed and super exhausted from handling two rough & tough little boys completely on my own. I have gained 4 lbs. FOUR. POUNDS. Unacceptable. I really would like to be at my goal weight by June. That gives me just over 3 months to lose 34 lbs. That is 11 lbs per month. 2.75 lbs per week. Is it doable? I am not sure. All I know is that I am tired of feeling so fat, weak, and exhausted. I cannot climb the stairs without getting winded. Pathetic for someone who is 30! I used to be in such great shape. I was able to play 90 minutes of competitive soccer without a break! I am pathetic. Time to do something about it!

It is sooo hard for me to resist sweets. This weekend we had my son's 5th birthday party. I had made brownies the day of his actual birthday and cake for the guests on Saturday. Cake is the only thing I can really resist because I don't like it, but I sure ate my weight in brownie sundaes. I mean, who doesn't love an ooey, gooey, warm, fudgey brownie topped with vanilla icecream and hot fudge? I could lick my computer screen right now just looking at this picture! I seriously ate two a day from the 20th thru the 22nd. I also didn't work out at ALL last week. There just wasn't time. Probably my own fault for not forcing myself to make time, but it seemed there were so many other "more important" things. That's how I always sabotage myself. So anyway, I was expecting to have gained at least 3 pounds when I stepped on the scale this morning. However, I was happily surprised to see that I was only up 1 pound! This truly excites me, despite the fact that it's a gain. That means that I was right in choosing all the other good foods for me! Even though I had the brownie sundaes, I still chose other meals/snacks that were healthy for me and over all, I came out OK! This tells me that if I keep up my exercise and I choose mostly healthy & good foods, then I can splurge on the occasional brownie sundae and it won't completely ruin me! For a while it seemed like having something like ice cream or brownies would never be possible for me again, but this goes to show that isn't the case! It makes doing this whole healthy lifestyle thing seem like it's going to be possible long-term. Right now...I really want a brownie sundae... LOL

Ugh. What a horrible past few days it's been, as far as eating/weight loss goes. We painted our entire downstairs over the weekend while trying to attend soccer games, dinner with my mother-in-law, church, and all the kids activities. It was tough! We ate crap though, and my body feels it. The painting has been my workout because I had absolutely NO TIME. I did a weigh in over the weekend and I was 207. Today, I am 209. I also am not understanding my choices in food lately. Last night I did GREAT at dinner. I ate a small steak, salad, and a veggie skewer. It was delicious! However, I still felt hungry afterward and I made the mistake of going into the grocery store for "just a few items". I came out with a half gallon of Homemade Mint Chocolate Chip icecream. Ugh. Why did I sabotage my plan??? Then, this morning, I did something I'm even more ashamed of. I went to the grocery store and I bought myself a donut and sat in my car and shoved it in my face and then threw the packaging away before anyone would find out. That was a wake up call for me. Who does that?? Someone who is ashamed, that's who. I didn't want anyone to know that I had eaten that donut. Why? Because I feel that if anyone knew I ate it, they would say, "Well no wonder you're fat!" I want to be able to eat a donut and not be worried what others will think. Definitely a wake up call for me. No more hiding in the car and eating. Time to get back on track!

Ugh. I made a very bad choice and went to Wendy's today for lunch. I ate a number one combo and medium sized it. Why do I do these things??? Why do I want to sabotage myself? I haven't been feeling well today so I guess I thought I "deserved" it. I worked out this morning. Did about 30 minutes of weights and then while I was doing my cardio on the treadmill, I started vomiting. I'm not sure what caused it but I haven't felt great since. I am hoping it's just something simple like the fact that I took my vitamins and then worked out or that I am slightly dehydrated. I do NOT want to be getting sick again! I don't have time or energy for that! I still feel very light headed and just crummy. At least I got the majority of my workout in before I started to throw up. I was on minute 22 of my 30 minutes when it happened. Anyway, let's hope better decisions are in my future!

So I haven't worked out in who knows how long. Even after my last post saying I was going to do it no matter what, I didn't do it. How big of a loser am I? Ugh. It seems that every time I commit myself to working out, I always find a reason not to. It's not that I don't love the benefits, it just seems there are more "important" things...my husband, my kids, errands to run, house to be cleaned. Always something to put before myself. I've always been that way. Always been a giver. I stress so much, especially during this time of the year. It's hectic and I've been going non-stop. I am feeling it in my body, for sure. Today I have had a rough day. I've been so stressed that I feel pain in my chest and across my upper back. I'm shakey and just feel downright awful. Nonetheless, there are things to get accomplished before bedtime tonight. My house is a disaster. I really really need help. My husband can't help because he's at work. Then when he gets home, he's not going to want to help because he'll want to spend time with the kids. There's just no time for anything anymore with everything I have to do. It's so stressful. I want to lose weight and feel good.

Speaking of feeling good, I realize I am getting older. At this point in my life I have got to get into good shape. It only gets harder the older you get and I don't want to be this weight for the rest of my life. I know that I will end up with high blood pressure and all the issues my parents have. I don't want to have to take any more medications than I already take.

After Christmas, I fully intend to kick myself in the butt and force myself to get back to exercising. I've got to do this for me, for once in my life.

Good news: I haven't gained any weight, despite eating my body weight in pizza last night. Or maybe something's wrong with my scale? Should probably check that out.

These milkshakes are going to be the death of me. I really wanted one today, so I stopped and got one. Now, on a positive note, I did only get the small size, but still. I do not even want to know how many calories are in one of these bad boys. The amount of whipped cream on top should be outlawed! It was so very delicious, but then I have to ask myself, was it really worth it? Did I get so much enjoyment from it that it was worth all those extra calories that I cannot afford? Probably not. Sure, I felt good in the moment while I was drinking it, but afterward I felt sick and here we are about 3 hours later and I still feel like I have gained an extra 10 lbs. Losing weight should NOT be rewarded with treats. When am I going to figure that one out???