I am getting myself back on track.  I am still at 190 lbs, but I am working on getting back into the 180's.  I have been attending Fit Club, a program at our church, twice a week and we are doing workouts such as P90X and Insanity.  Stuff that makes me super sore!  Every time I get sore, my number on the scale goes up.  Not permanantly, but for a short time.  It's aggrivating, of course!  I am just doing what I can to stay healthy & active.  I'm doing my best.  I need to get back into the routine of logging my WW Points.  When I was doing that, weight was coming off like crazy.  So that is my goal.  My kids are both in school full time now, so I have no excuses!!

Still stuck at 189.8 lbs.  This is so frustrating for me and I am in that vicious cycle of thinking, "Well, I'm not going to lose weight no matter if I eat well or if I just eat crap, so I might as well eat what makes me happy."  I had chocolate covered peanuts yesterday.  Only 4 of them, but still.  Not good for someone who is trying to lose weight.  Why can I not get under 189?  I don't know what to do.  I need to get to 170.  That would put me at a healthy weight.  My BMI is 26.4.  I need to be at 24.9 to be in the "normal" range for BMI.  I would need to weigh 178 lbs to be in that "normal" catagory and I really really want to be there.  I need to lose 10 lbs at least.  I want to be "healthy".  I know that I've lost a lot of weight, but I'm still "overweight" and I don't want to be.  I need to bust through this and I need to get back on the right track.  I don't want to be OK with 189 lbs.  I don't want to have to be ok with 189 lbs.  I can lose 10 lbs.  I have lost over double that.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I. MUST. DO. THIS.

I am stuck at 189 lbs. This is so darn frustrating for me! I want to be at 170, but my body is not cooperating. I have started to work out and I am running 20 minutes 3 times per week and lifting weights. Why is it that I am going nowhere fast with my weight? The number is not dropping. It makes me want to give up and stuff my face with Oreos and icecream, but I won't. I don't want to go back to where I was when I started this blog...overweight, unhealthy, and not happy! I know I look better than I did before and my body is healthier. It's easier for me to run and I can tell I don't get winded as easily as I did before. However, I know that I am still considered "overweight". My BMI is 26.4, which puts me in that catagory of overweight. A normal BMI is 18.5-24.9. I would have to get down to 178 lbs to even be in that "normal" range. Kind of depressing. That's 11 lbs from where I am now. I would love to be in the normal range because I cannot remember the last time I weighed this little. I want so badly to be in the 170's. That would be perfect! I could be in the 170's and toned and I would be HAPPY!!! After all, I am 5'11", so I hide weight fairly well. Even at 189, most people don't guess I weigh this much. I am happy that my clothes are fitting better and I'm in a size 14, which I haven't been in a very long time. So I am thrilled, don't get me wrong. I just wish I wasn't stuck at this number. I've lost 25 lbs. That is a LOT and I am happy, but I want to get these last 19 lbs off! I can do it. It should be easy compared to the 25, but the last pounds are always the hardest. I must push through! I am determined to do this.

I hit 190.6 lbs today!! For some reason, the weight is starting to come off more slowly. In the beginning, I was losing over 2 lbs per week. Now it's slowing down. I still have another 20 lbs I would like to lose. I am also going to start working out today. I want to be honest and say that I am 100% scared to work out. I do not want to gain weight and it seems that when I work out, I gain weight. I really do not want to see that number on the scale go up. Especially since I am only at 190, which is still too close to 200 to be packing on any weight...even if it IS muscle weight. So I am frightened. I want to lift weights so I can start toning, but if I start to notice that scale creeping up, I'll have to back off. So I am sitting here before my workout already nervous and sweating! :oP I know I need to do it, no matter what. Exercise is not only good for helping lose weight, but also for your heart and at this point I'm pretty much sedentary...minus the cleaning & playing I do with my kids. I wish someone could design a workout plan just for me. Something that would help me tone & lose weight without bulking up or putting weight on!

In happier news, I've now lost a total of 24 lbs. This is super exciting and people are starting to notice! I went to a BBQ with people I haven't seen in almost a year and they were all commenting on my weight loss. My grandmother-in-law told me I didn't need to lose anymore, God love her!! I am very proud of myself. I know this last 20 lbs is going to be the hardest to get off. I still can't believe I weigh under 200 lbs. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I no longer wear a size 18...or a 16 even! I'm nervous to buy new clothes still because I'm afraid if I try something on and it doesn't fit that I am going to be upset since I've lost weight and it SHOULD fit. I guess we'll just have to see. I am also nervous about going on vacation. It's hard to be on vacation and try to eat healthy and workout. I do NOT want to gain on vacation. I cannot gain on vacation.

Alright...I've gotta stop procrastinating and get my workout done. Praying I don't gain weight. Please Lord, help me!!

For the first time, someone noticed my weight loss!! My step-mother-in-law sent me an email today and she said so many nice things in it. She told me that she had wanted to tell me in person on Saturday, when she saw me, but she didn't get around to pulling me aside to say something. Anyway, here is an excerpt from her email:

"YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY - YOUR HAIR WAS FABULOUS, THE STYLE, THE STREAKS, THE CUT, JUST PERFECT. ALSO, YOU HAVE LOST WEIGHT, A GOOD DEAL IT LOOKS LIKE ----- IT SURE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU. I MEANT TO TELL YOU THAT SEVERAL TIMES SATURDAY AND THEN WOULD FORGET WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. I'M SORRY FOR NOT GETTING TO TELL YOU IN PERSON."

Anyway, I thought this was an awesome email and I just about cried when reading it. It really made my day!! Heck, it made the last 2 months for me!! Seeing someone notice has been wonderful!! No one else has really said much. My Mom said something only after me telling her I'd been on WW and my husband says he notices it, but it's hard to notice when you're around someone every single day. So this was my proof that you really can SEE me losing weight. Ahhh! I just want to shout from the rooftops!! :o)

I am down 1 lb this week. That is better than I thought since yesterday I hadn't lost anything. I will take 1 lb. I wish it was more, but I will take it. Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, so there's still time to get down to 190. I would totally LOVE to see 190 on the scale. Today I am 191. You know, I still don't think it has sunk in that I have lost 23 lbs. That is a LOT of weight. I should be proud of 23 lbs. I still refuse to buy new clothes and I still can't see myself as being any smaller. It's very strange to me. If someone else had lost 23 lbs I would be so ecstatic for them. Why can't I be ecstatic for myself like that? It's very weird. If you look back in this journal, there was a time where I never thought I'd get under 200 lbs and stay there. Now here I am 9 lbs under that and I still have the same mind set. I need to learn to be happy with what I am accomplishing. It's so hard though. I feel like I have such a long way to go and that losing 23 lbs isn't enough since I have 21 left to go. *sigh* I need more positive thoughts in my head. I'm thinking of printing out positive sayings and reading them. Maybe taping them to my mirror so I see them when I'm getting ready in the mornings. Gotta get out of this mind set that 23 lbs is nothing!!

I thought yesterday was going to be a rough day, but it turned out to be ok. My oldest son, who is 7, had his tonsils taken out yesterday. We were at the hospital from 7:45am to 3:45pm. My stomach was in knots and all I wanted to do was eat, because I am an emotional/stress eater. I can admit that. However, I did not. I went to the cafeteria once he was in his room and stable and I got a salad with fat free Italian dressing and a bowl a fruit. I did end up having part of my husband's Twix bar, but I still came in under my points for the day. Woohoo!! I stepped on the scale this morning, expecting a number higher than what I got. I weighed in at 193 lbs this morning. This is such an accomplishment for me because this is the lowest I weight I can remember being at in my adult life. I cannot ever remember stepping on the scale and it saying anything lower than 194 lbs. So 193 was such a goal for me! I am very happy with this, but it reminds me I will have a long way to go too. I still need to lose 23 lbs. I've lost 21 lbs so far, so I still have more than I've lost to go. Make sense? Sounds funny. It's upsetting, but I just need to stay encouraged. I really wish I had time to add in some exercise, but at this point, I just don't have the time. I am hoping in August, once school starts, I can get in at least 30 min Monday-Friday. That would be ideal and I should have time for that with both kids in school full time this year. In positive news, I only have 5 lbs to lose before I've lost 10% of my body weight. That is exciting!!

So I am hopping back onto the weight loss wagon here. I have made myself work out 2 days this week and I am keeping track of my steps with a pedometer than I happened to find at the movie theater. After lots of disinfecting, it's now MINE! :o) Love free finds like that. I love how energized I feel after a workout. I want to keep going, but I know that I need to do other things with my time as well and working out for hours on end isn't going to be something that I can realistically keep up with. I will say that I look forward to when school starts this fall and my kids are both going from 7:25am-2:25pm! That is 7 whole hours of time for ME!!! I am envisioning a clean house, a svelte body, a pedicure or haircut! Wow. It's hard to believe!! So, anyway, to make a long story short, I am trying my hardest to get back into the swing of things. I really wish every holiday didn't revolve around candy & junk!!

Why do I keep putting it off? "Oh, I'll start back on this working out and dieting thing on Monday!" Really? Why not start today? I don't understand it. Am I afraid of failure? I really think so. My heart cannot take failure. I am afraid of disappointing those I love, even though they won't really even know I'm trying to lose weight. I'm just afraid that if people see me watching what I eat and working out, but the weight isn't coming off that I am going to look like a failure. Why am I even afraid of failing? Everyone fails at something or some point in their lives. I haven't really experienced real failure yet. I don't want this to be the first time for me. Sure, I've failed tests and haven't been able to do things perfectly, but a true failure for me would be trying my hardest to lose weight and not accomplishing it. I really need to lose at least 35 lbs. That's a minimum to be considered healthy. So it's a numbers game for me and I'm terrified that it might come down to where my body says, "Um, excuse me, we're only letting you lose 30 lbs!" and then I would feel like I failed because that last 5 lbs wouldn't come off. I have got to do this. I think it would help with so many other issues I have. So...I am starting today. Of course, I may not be able to eat the best, but I am going to make a conscious decision about what I put into my mouth. I may not be able to exercise, but I'm going to strive to take more steps today and get up and moving more. I think if I exercised more, I'd want to move around more and that all helps! So no more excuses...today I am starting over.

I am freaking sore...already. Not a good sign. I spent an hour and 10 minutes at the gym today. I did a mile run/walk on the treadmill and burnt a little over 100 calories. Then I switched over to the elliptical and burnt another 100+ calories. I did weights afterward and I can already feel it. I feel like I get a much better workout when I go to the gym, but I hate taking my kids with me. I hate that I have to constantly watch them and get off the machines to break up fights or take them to the bathroom. It's sooo frustrating! We use the free "family gym" area on base. It's basically a raquetball court that they have sectioned off. One side is where you stick your kids and there are toys & a huge flat-screen TV for them to watch. The other side is full of equipment. It's really nice that they have it, but I wish I could find a free gym that offered child care. Now THAT would be awesome!

As far as weight goes, I am back up to 207 lbs. Time to get serious again with this weight loss thing! This is my 2nd time being at the gym and I always feel so great after a workout. I wish it didn't take so darn long to burn all those calories though. I'd say I probably burnt a little over 300 caloires between the cardio and weights. That's a measly candy bar's worth of calories! Ugh. It's not fair how this works!!!

I'm still going to try to get down to 175 lbs by June. That means I have to lose 32 lbs. I have roughly 3 months to lose the weight. I will need to lose about 10 lbs per month, which is really only 2.5 lbs per week. I think that's doable, but I am not going to go insane over it. I just want to try my best and workout hard and eat what is good for me. I got some healthy snack food today (apples, oranges, pineapple, grapes, low-fat string cheese, etc.). I need to get back into the habit of making healthier choices. Before I "fell off the wagon", I was making smart decisions with my eating. I was getting the 6 inch sub at Subway instead of the foot long. I was getting a salad as my side instead of fries at Wendy's. Just stuff like that was making a difference! So, today I start back on my routine! Wish me luck...

Ugh. What a horrible past few days it's been, as far as eating/weight loss goes. We painted our entire downstairs over the weekend while trying to attend soccer games, dinner with my mother-in-law, church, and all the kids activities. It was tough! We ate crap though, and my body feels it. The painting has been my workout because I had absolutely NO TIME. I did a weigh in over the weekend and I was 207. Today, I am 209. I also am not understanding my choices in food lately. Last night I did GREAT at dinner. I ate a small steak, salad, and a veggie skewer. It was delicious! However, I still felt hungry afterward and I made the mistake of going into the grocery store for "just a few items". I came out with a half gallon of Homemade Mint Chocolate Chip icecream. Ugh. Why did I sabotage my plan??? Then, this morning, I did something I'm even more ashamed of. I went to the grocery store and I bought myself a donut and sat in my car and shoved it in my face and then threw the packaging away before anyone would find out. That was a wake up call for me. Who does that?? Someone who is ashamed, that's who. I didn't want anyone to know that I had eaten that donut. Why? Because I feel that if anyone knew I ate it, they would say, "Well no wonder you're fat!" I want to be able to eat a donut and not be worried what others will think. Definitely a wake up call for me. No more hiding in the car and eating. Time to get back on track!

I want to jump up and down and celebrate! I am officially under 210 lbs!!! I weighed in at 209 this morning!! YAY!!!!! I want to say that I will never be back to 210 lbs ever again, but I want to give myself a few pounds of leeway. Maybe when I hit 205 lbs I will then be able to say that I'll NEVER be at 210 lbs again. I was so excited to see 209 on the scale though! It means that all my hard work is paying off. I'm eating right and exercising, having fruit for a snack before bed instead of half a pint of icecream, being more active at home instead of just sitting and rotting in front of the computer/tv, taking vitamins, and just generally thinking before I shove something into my mouth. I am excited that I am finally losing weight. I've needed to do this for so long and I can see that by me taking time for myself, no one is hurting. The kids are fine and I am actually benefitting! Very excited right now!!

Starting weight: 214 lbs

Current weight: 209 lbs

Goal weight: 175 lbs

www.my-calorie-counter.com     The webs free Calorie Counter

OK, so I am pretty darn proud of myself and have to brag a little. Normally, when I go to Subway, I get a footlong sandwich because I like to EAT and feel full. Well, today, I decided that instead of eating a footlong which has at least 640 calories (which doesn't include condiments), that I would get the 6 inch and a bag of chips. So instead of eating 640 calories, I consumed 460 calories. I was pretty proud! I also resisted the free cookie that came with my meal and I saved it for my oldest to eat when he gets home from school. So not only did I burn 240 calories this morning on the treadmill, but I also ate 180 calories less than I normally would've eaten at Subway in the past. So I have banked 420 calories today! Woohoo!!! I feel so excited! I know that dinner will be high calorie. We're having chicken parmesan, but I'm making some changes to that recipe as well. Instead of using the entire egg to dip the chicken into for the breadcrumb coating, I am going to just use the egg white. I am also using low-fat cheese and splitting a chicken breast with my husband instead of eating an entire one all by myself. So there are changes being made around here, that's for sure. And I feel like because these changes are small and I'm still not really depriving myself, that they will last.

I am on track for my first day back to the grind! I got up this morning, got both kiddos ready for school, ate breakfast, took my vitamins, and did about 20 minutes of weights followed by 30 minutes of cardio! Wow...that's a lot in less than 3 hrs. No wonder I am feeling a little dizzy. It's so crazy how it takes you forever to get into shape and if you slack off for just a week, you definitely feel the effects of it.

I also need to remember not to get myself on the scale after I work out in hopes of seeing a loss. I NEVER lose weight after a work out. It's always a gain. Today it was up 2 lbs. Of course, I am fully dressed, have eaten breakfast, and really just know not to get on the scale after working out. I guess my body retains water or something during a workout. Maybe I am not drinking enough water, so my body feels the need to keep what I've got in there to recover from the workout? I don't know, but it sure is aggrivating.

I have started taking vitamins, as I mentioned above. I have read a few different articles now on how these supplements can make you lose more weight than those who don't take them. So for now I am taking a multivitamin, calcium, vitamin D₃, and fish oil. We'll see how it goes. I know all of those things are good for you and I have always known that I definitely don't get enough calcium. I am not a milk drinker and never have been. So hopefully I am doing my body some good.

I am motivated to stick with this. Even if I don't lose much weight, I still know that trying to eat well and exercise is healthy for my heart, mind, and body. Let's hope this motivation lasts!

ETA: All that worry over the gain of 2 lbs was for nothing. I weighed myself again right before my shower (naked) and I was at 210.4 lbs. Woohoo!